Enter My Trashy Summer TV At Your Own Risk

This summer, an unconscionable issue happened to my TV watching schedule: the uber-loud, sloppy 4-hours-a-week show about sexy people trying to find love in a house on a beach was being moved to the same night as my quiet, messy one-hour show about sexy people trying to find love in a house on a beach. 

The cast of "Bachelor in Paradise" Season 6

The cast of "Are You The One: Come One, Come All"

Listen, when I was in a relationship with television this would not have been the issue it is Today. But when you live with another human being you have to manage yourself mmmmk? I had to CHOOSE the order in which I would devour my trash and this system is not built for restraint.

I'd never watched MTV's Are You The One? before this summer, but somehow my Twitter algorithm knew I'd be hooked on a show about sixteen sexually fluid contestants flung together to be dramatic and lovey and figure out who they were paired with by a crack team of unidentified matchmakers. Bachelor in Paradise, on the other hand, has been my summer companion for these four years or so. I even recapped the behemoth last summer. It's about the rejects from recent (and not-so-recent) seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, getting drunk and hooking up and yelling and secretively-but-actually-very-very-transparently manipulative. Other than a few token contestants, everyone is very very straight. Any engagements that happen at the end of the season are strictly offered by the man in the relationship to the woman.

So discovering AYTO? was like a balm, a breath after the rigidity of the utterly heteronormative BIP. This season BIP offers Demi's same-sex relationship as a vote for love, but AYTO is like that times eight. Like that times a hundred. Like that times infinity. Not to mention that BIP is the Mille Borne of dating shows - it's every man for himself, every woman for herself, either trying to make a relationship work or trying to display a big enough personality to warrant Instagram followers for a good post-show boost. (On the rare occasion, the next Bachelor could be chosen on these shores.) On the flip side, AYTO reads like one of those cooperative socialist board games that requires everyone to either win or lose. Either everyone finds their Perfect Match and they win the money, or they don't. And they're so much NICER for god's sake.

Bachelor in Paradise's first same-sex couple

The face when the person you were competing with for some dumb guy is actually your Perfect Match

Even when it comes to the shows' Venn diagram of archetypes, I have infinitely more patience for one camp over the other. 

Both shows have the apologetic multiple offender: Blake (BIP) enters Paradise as the hottest ticket and is now getting a bad rap for his actions before the show started: hooking up with multiple women within a 24-hour period, texting multiple women, and then trying to appear on the show without those actions having any bearing on the outcome. Meanwhile, Kai (AYTO), a transmasculine person who identifies as nonbinary, also entered the house as one of the most desirable contestants. In fact, he hooks up with two people on the same night WHILE ON the show. Nour and Jasmine (see gif above) almost come to blows over the drama he causes. 

While their actions are comparable and both parties come off as selfish, Blake (whether by the producers' hands or otherwise) ​comes off as careless and stupid while Kai comes off as ... almost sympathetic. Being a trans person, he admits that until recently he didn't find himself attractive and now the constant validation from multiple people wanting him is throwing him for a loop. A free-for-all, let's-hook-up-with-everyone loop. Call me a sap for insecurity, but I found that a lot more convincing than a guy who just thought he could get away with it.

Blake when the fourth woman he was texting rolls up to the party

Kai trying to brush off the fact that the entire Internet feels bad for whoever his Perfect Match turns out to be

Wells, a previous contestant on BIP who now bartends for the current contestants, WISHES he could dispense the incomparable life advice that Basit effortlessly gives out to anyone with any sense in the house. ​

Remember when Wells participated in the scallop fingers bullying?

Basit the Wise

Oddly enough, both shows have a Boom Boom Room, for boom-booming. Wanna guess which one gets more action? I'll give you a hint: It featured a fivesome this season and rhymes with Shar Shou She Shwon.

Not to mention, watching AYTO is when it finally hit me why the pronouns currently in American usage are inadequate. I'm watching these people and thinking, "No, this is not he, nor is this a she." There is a crossover space where neither works for a specific person. And let me tell you, it's making me think really hard about how I want to raise my kids and how to present an attitude toward gender that isn't restrictive.

It's hard to imagine having that conversation centered on BIP, where the only woman with hair shorter than her shoulders is the lesbian. Where the men are working out by lifting weights and the women only do cardio. Where the lines of gender are written into the rules of rose giving and cute little Demi is giving out the only long-stemmed rose to Kristian on a night of buttonholes. 

You may ask, why doesn't she just watch AYTO? Why does she continue with the tomfoolery of BIP? Well, nation, I don't really have an answer for you. I was rooting for people on last year's BIP and the one before that - have you seen Raven and Adam lately? they're adorable! - so what am I still doing with FOUR HOURS A WEEK. 

Maybe it's because when an extremely shy guy finally works up the courage to kiss the woman he likes, the editors do this (start at 4:56):

Or maybe it's because a guy can leave to go LIVE IN HIS VAN, then come back and ask the woman he was in a relationship with to come away with him into the sunset. (I legit don't know what she's going to do, the next episode hasn't aired yet):

Or maybe it's just really fun to try and figure out how much of this show is the producers' storyline, how much of it is the contestants trying to engineer their own storylines, and how much of it actually genuine and authentic. Because if there's something I can't resist, it's the metafictional narrative of people knowing they're on a reality show trying to pander to that experience. That's something you won't get from a nice group of people trying to soul search so that they can be open to love. Sometimes you just want a bunch of selfish people willing to bodyslam another person for attention.

For more information on why I'm fascinated by people with big personalities being punished for it, please see my sister's wonderful article on the subject: ​https://aeon.co/essays/is-reality-tv-a-kind-of-bite-size-greek-tragedy